Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Not Unique. But Honest.

Can I just be a little honest here?
The truth is that I while I can try,
I probably can't accurately convey these simple ideas.
Cause I'm really not very good with words.
I've gotta think, develop, massage an idea into existence.
I like conversations where I can sit and listen most of the time.
Jump in occasionally.
But when I have to step out with my own thoughts on a topic...
I freeze.
I have thoughts.
Believe it or not.
I just...don't really know what they are until I start to speak.
And even then...
Sometimes as I'm speaking I realize that what I said in my first sentence isn't exactly right.
So, the third sentence is contradictory.
I think that's why I don't like praying aloud.
Cause my conversations with God are more thrown up there,
More round about than group prayers are supposed to be.
They aren't in a neat little package
And if they are, I'm not comfortable with them.
Blogging annoys me sometimes.
Cause I feel like each entry has to be tied up in a little package.
It needs to end on a positive note
Spiritual or thoughtful
But what may one day end up as a pretty little package
Today may be a pile of dirty clothes, empty lesson plans and Ramen noodles.
I don't really want to show nameless people my piles of trash and tears.
Not so much because I'm too proud
...Well, ok. That's part of it.
But also because I don't want people to worry.
I don't want my mom to worry.
And when you only hear from your daughter once every couple of weeks
A blog post about tiredness or frustrations
Is going hang on your heart.
So, maybe the moral of this story is that I need to call my mom more.
Maybe it's that I need to blog more, so that a few spatterings of the negative aren't going to leave a flavor of sadness for long.
I dunno.
But I want to write an entry that goes something like this:
Being a missionary is...
I wouldn't trade the past several years.
But it's not the movies.
There are times when I'm able to share the love of Christ and it's...fulfilling to the max.
Sometimes I'm tired.
Sometimes I don't fit in.
Sometimes I just want to be understood without the asterisk that says 
*I'm pretty sure that's what she was trying to say in her broken language.
Sometimes I wonder why...(fill in the blank)
And then when I post that blog,
I don't want people to jump to the conclusion that I'm depressed.
Or when I post a blog in a month about returning to the States
I don't want them to believe that the story of my stay in Brazil
And return to the States was based upon some depressing life that was Brazil
Cause I'm not and it isn't
And I love Brazil
And I love ministry
And I love my part here.
But we look forward to heaven for a reason.

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