That feeling has returned.
The one that I forgot so easily...yet remember so well.
In the United States I am not so self-conceited that I think people think about and/or notice me all the time. But in Brazil, people notice.
I denied it. Thought I could live my life like normal, like I was simply in a new home, until a few instances last year. One of those instances was a guy in the grocery story saying that he noticed that I liked to go for walks. (Yes. This was odd. But it wasn't as creepy as it sounds.) And then I knew. I stick out. Whether it's because I'm an American, I speak English, I'm with a ministry, or I'm just that cool, people notice me...even when I don't notice myself. I feel as if I am on a stage.
It's odd. At home I don't think about my actions and their repercussions nearly as much as I think about them here. I wonder if pastors have this feeling all the time. It's not a bad feeling...just weird. I almost feel selfish, being so aware of what people are thinking of me. But then, what's the answer? When people stare at me, I wonder why. And when people stare all the time, I've got to examine my actions...and my zipper...more frequently then normal.
Anyways, I can't say that I have a conclusion to this post. Nor that I've learned something deep from this self-consciousness. I'm just saying that it's weird.
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ReplyDeleteThat kind of feeling makes me think of what I heard at our campmeeting a few weeks back. The preacher said that we never know who is watching. Said his neighbors, once they found out he's a pastor, now watch him all the time, and that we too are being watched, but we just don't know by whom.
ReplyDeleteAccountability like that might make me be willing to have that zipper-down feeling just to keep me on my toes. Hmm, and dependent on God cuz I wouldn't last long in my own strength. Thanks for posting a good reminder! Patti