Update

While the past 7 months haven't quite gone as planned, I am excited about what I have learned as a person and as a teacher on the mission field. I am still in Indiana, waiting for the Ministry of Labor in Brazil to approve my work visa. Being in the States, I have had an opportunity to work on curriculum and staff development. In order to be a greater asset to the International school, I have also begun a graduate program (which can be completed on-line) in Language Education. I am praying that I will be able to teach at the International School beginning in the August semester. Thanks to all of you who have continued to pray for approval of my visa. It is supposed to be up for review again on Tuesday. So, please continue to pray!

That Church is Full of What?

I drove by a church tonight. Its sign out front said "Welcome World Changers". While I'm sure there's some group called World Changers that they were welcoming to their church, it got me thinking.
Church members should be called World Changers. Because if they are effectively living out what God calls them to do, the world will change. But then I thought, maybe I'm thinking too big here. Very few people set out to change the world. They affect the people around them, and that changes the world. So, maybe People Changers is a better name. But then I thought that sounded too much like "Hey PERSON! Change! Now!" Which would be weird, because if somebody told me that, I'd be wondering if they wanted me to go change my clothes or something. Plus, you can't change other people, people change themselves, you can only really influence people. So, I jumped over to Self Changers. But then I realized that if Christians were all true Self Changers, changing into the image of Jesus Christ, then other people would be inspired and alot more people outside the church would want to to change themselves too and when people change, the world changes. So, maybe World Changers is a good name for church members. So, then I got to thinking, maybe we could shorten it a little bit to WCs...but that may confuse the British.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the Lord helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

In the Old Testament, alters were often built to emphasize the nature of the Lord and what He had brought His people through. I'm not going to use stones, but I do want to praise the Lord with emphasis.

During the different segments that create "life since college", I have often not fully understood much of anything. I have often questioned the Lord. But as I look back over these years, I see that things have worked together for good. And even if I can't see the outcome on some issues, even if right now I don't see the things working together for good, I will rest on the Lord and His record of Love.
And so, I say "Thus far has the Lord helped me."

Sad.

I went to the park with my nephew the other day. There was a kid playing in the sand nearby, making something he thought was a castle and I thought looked like a dinosaur egg. His older brother came over and started stomping on his castle/dinosaur egg thing. The kid got upset. They started all out fighting. Kicking. Screaming. Hitting. It was intense. I put a stop to it. Decided that sand should not be thrown in the general direction of my nephew and that I didn't care if I was not "in charge" of them. Kids shouldn't act that way.
They were stunned.
I was stunned that they were stunned.
Then the mom came over. She barely even looked at me, let alone addressing the situation.
I was stunned.
Parents say self-esteem trumps character.
The community says walking away trumps discipline.
Kids grow up to be adults who think highly of themselves yet have no character.

Hi. I'm Emily and I'm a Procrastinator.

Why do I procrastinate?
I have sealed my own fate.
I need to read pages upon pages,
And yet, my mind rages.

Sigh, these are the types of things I come up with when I have a ton of stuff to get done. What's my problem? I realize that I've got a good 4 hours of work to do. I realize that the lines I just wrote are ridiculous. But I will do anything I can think of to not do my assignment. Oh, I'll get it done. I'll just end up staying up all night doing it.

And now I will stop using this blog as a really bad reason to procrastinate and will instead talk to a friend on Gmail chat.

Class

I like being around people who are smarter than me.
I started taking a class. It's graduate level.
There are smart people in the class.
I just want to sit back and listen to them.

Hey! Look! There's Dad!

I go the speed limit. It's an accomplishment, really. I had to work pretty hard at it. But now it's been about 4 months and I'm used to it, except on that section of I-70 that goes from 55 mph to 50...that's tough. But, you know what? Driving is so much more relaxing now. I can see a cop and not immediately cringe and worry. I drive with a sort of confidence...even around cops.

Maybe that's how it is with God. I do things I know I shouldn't do, but tell myself one of a few lines.

A) It's not a big deal. Think of all the other things I could be doing. This is so tiny. Don't get too legalistic.

B) If I don't do this, I'm going to mess other people up. It might not even be safe for me to not do this.

C) If I don't do this, my day/week/life is going to be messed up.

D) It's fun.

So I do things that I know I shouldn't. And things are normally fine. I know where I can push the limits, where I can normally avoid any repercussions. BUT. Then God pops his head in where He's not expected. And I get defensive and up tight, even if I don't get caught. I know that God is Good, but I worry. It may just be something little. But then I see the equivalent of the spotlight or really long antennas and I think "Oh no".

I trust the Lord and want a deep, satisfying relationship with Him. But like in a marriage, if something causes worry about getting caught, it's probably not the best course of action. I want a relationship with the Lord that's deeper than a marriage. So, how can I allow behaviors to get in the way, just because I know how to avoid getting caught?

When I drive by, I want to wave like a little kid at the Cop who happens to be my Dad.

Honesty

A conversation with my nephew:
Me: "Joshua, don't chew on your nails."
Josh: "I'm not."
Me: "What are you doing?"
Josh: "Picking my nose."
Me: "Why?"
Josh: "Because I like it."
Me: "Oh, well, you probably shouldn't do that. It's kinda gross."
Josh: "Ok."

Today

I was ignored last night.
It made me feel less than.
I was invisible last night.
It made me wonder if I had a place.
I was alone last night.

I was taken seriously this morning.
It made me feel alive.
I was thought about this morning.
It made feel connected.
I was part of something this morning.

I stopped today.
It made me run late.
I listened today.
It made me understand.
I paid attention today.
It made him smile.

Easter!

It's Easter! What an amazing day. Just imagine...
Not too long ago a man was tortured and killed because of who he said he was. He was pronounced dead. His friends were distraught. They had lost an amazing friend...but not only that, he had been their hope. They believed that he was God. He was the one who was coming to save their people. But, he was dead. He was gone. Their hope was gone. They were not to be saved. Why didn't they do something instead of running and hiding? Why did they desert the one who they loved. The one who loved them. They wished they would have been the ones to die. But then...
The women came running into the room. Jesus isn't in the tomb! Peter & John ran. Angels! Mary saw Him. Jesus was in the room. It turned from a tense room they were using as a hiding spot to a party atmosphere. Mourning and fear became hugs, questions, listening, alertness, and laughs. Imagine...Jesus is back! He's alive! Wha...but...how? Why? What was it like? Why did it have to happen this way? I'm sorry. You are Lord. The Son of God! He is more powerful even than death.
Blood has always been part of the deal. Wrongs must be paid for with blood. It should be ours. In the old testament, God allowed animals to be sacrificed in place of us. But the new testament brought Jesus, the man who was perfect in every way. He died as our "animal"...our replacement. He is our redemption. He is our blood. He is the Hope of mankind. He has risen. He has defeated death. And in defeating death he has given us true life. What an amazing day.

love

I love Africa. Not like I love ice cream. Like I love my family.
I also love Brazil. Not like I love my family. Like I love a good friend.
What does this mean? I feel peace about being in Brazil right now. I am looking forward to returning and working with the ministry there. I think World Renewal, Brazil is on to something big and am excited to be a part of it. I have a place and am excited that what I do could lead to doors being opened wider for the school and World Renewal. I pray for Brazil. I want to learn from Brazil. I want to follow the Lord's leading & I believe that He is leading towards Brazil for this time. And because of that, I will go to Brazil.
...But I still love Africa.

This Blog

I read something the other day about blogs. It said that if you want to start a blog, commit to writing 3-5 times a week, or don't bother.
But here's the thing...I'm not that good.
I like having written. But the process of writing isn't so much fun, really. I really don't like it unless I've spent a good week or two mulling the topic over in my head. And I'm not one of those people who can mull multiple things at the same time.
So, this isn't going to be a typical blog. I'm not going to update it 3-5 days a week unless I really really feel like it...which could happen. But probably won't. So, if you feel like following this thing, my advice is to check up once a month. If I decided to go crazy and write 2 or 3 enteries that month you can read it then. If there's something crazy important that you should know, like if I get on the wrong bus and go to the Amazon and get eaten by an Anaconda, there's really nothing you could do about it here in the States. And if I think you can do something about it, I'll send a smoke signal or something.
BUT, I will promise to try really hard to post something, anything, once a month. So, if you care, check. If you don't, don't. If you kinda do, but not really, check only when people mention it on Facebook.

Wait

I have entered a new chapter in my life. At first I didn't realize that it would be a chapter, I thought maybe a passing thought within another chapter, but an entire chapter? No. Now it's a chapter. And it's called Wait.
Most specifically this means waiting for a visa, so that I can return to Brazil. Less specifically this means waiting for a career, a husband, a home, stability, and countless other things.

Part of me loves this chapter.
I get to spend time with people that I love & people who love me, the people that I crave time with when I'm away. I can hang out at my parents' house without worrying about rent or any other essential part of life. I get to relax, not worrying about culture or language. I know how I am supposed to act in almost every situation. I can communicate everything I want to say very effectively. I know what people mean, even if they don't say it. I know my way around and nobody worries if I drive off into the sunset and don't come back for several hours. I have a car. I can understand what's going on in church and participate fully. I can watch American Idol with my family. Seriously, now. Life is easy.
But another part of me says I really don't like this chapter.
Why have a chapter entitled Wait when there are so many other chapters that seem so much more important? Aren't there better things I could be doing with my time? Couldn't I be given an estimated time of arrival for the next chapter? Couldn't I at least know if the visa will arrive someday?? Why can't it just be easy? I could go on...but I think you get the point.

But the other day I was reading (something else I am thankful that I have time to do) and came across a poem. It hit me (actually the whole book has hit me) I read it over and over again. Here it is:

I wait.
Dear Lord, Thy ways
Are past finding out,
Thy love too high.
O hold me still
Beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou
Lift up the light
Of Thy countanence.
I wait-
Because I am commanded
So to do. My mind
Is filled with wanderings.
My soul asks "Why?"
But then the quiet word,
"Wait thou only
Upon God."
And so, not even for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, dear Lord,
I wait.

-Elisabeth Elliot
Passion & Purity