Christmas

Sighs.
Sometimes they're out of frustration.
Sometimes they mean you give up.
But occasionally they mean all is right.
Maybe everything isn't right
But even in the midst of problems you are content right where you are.
They've only truly happened a few times in my life.
But I know the recipe to finding one.
Sit back and listen
to those people that you love with an unexplainable love.
Listen to them talking, laughing, being together.
Join in occasionally but mostly just enjoy.

Ooww.

So, I'm a little bit stubborn.
Normally it's for good reason, like not wanting to waste money, time, or worry to have the doctor tell me that I sprained my ankle.
Trouble is, sometimes I'm wrong.
But thankfully I have friends who will laugh at me, call me bullheaded, and take me to the doctor ten days after they told me to go in the first place.
Yep. It's fractured.

Cute Kids Singing

First grade graduation is a big deal here because it signifies a child being able to read. So, for graduation they learned "I Will Sing of the Mercies" and did a pretty good job. They sang it in English and looked cute. Parents were crying. It was great.

Thanks

You know when you're with someone you love and there aren't words to express the level of gratitude you have for them, so you just put your head on their shoulder and say "thanks" and that's enough?
That's what I feel like right now.
I could make a list three miles long, but all those words wouldn't say what I want to convey.
I understand that there are times to list everything you're thankful for. I understand that that is a healthy practice. But sometimes I feel like a little kid who babbles "thanks for the house and thanks for the car and thanks for the red crayon and thanks for the yellow crayon and thanks for the green crayon and thanks for the shoes and thanks for the shampoo and thanks for the ducks and thanks for the hammocks and thanks for the..."
I think I'd rather be like the kid who just puts her head on her Dad's shoulder and whispers "thanks" in an honest way.

Random, Undeveloped Thoughts

-Come. Let us worship and bow down. Let us kneel before the Lord, our God, our Maker.

-Me: Can you think of a time that you were sad?
1st Grader: 1 o'clock.
Me: Why?
1st Grader: Because my mother was not happy.

-I like Jeff & Lindsay's roof. Especially at night. I want to go up there alone. But it's scary.

-The times that I feel furthest from God are not when something bad happens, or when something doesn't make sense to me, it's when I make a decision not to follow the Lord in every aspect of my life.

-Hospitality is important.

-Sugar cane is delicious.

-I appreciate money a lot more when it doesn't go as far.

-At what point is it appropriate to start using the pronoun "my" if it's not really yours? When can students become "mine", when can kids become "mine", when can a room become "mine", friends, a church, a dog, a family? What is the key ingredient? Time? Desire for it to be yours? Fulfilling a need of some sort? Being required to depend on the noun in question?

-The fan works when you hit it or when you turn it on and wait for ten minutes.

-I will sing of the mercies of the Lord forever, I will sing.

-Hammocks are lovely.

-I have discovered why shin gaurds are important, even for a goal keeper.

-Popsicles rock.

Laptop Evangelism

Jeff, Lindsay, Pat, Harold, and I created this video for the talent show in Lagoa de Itaenga.
Enjoy the ridiculousness.

The Goal

I recently read in a blog the phrase "your cause is not your goal". I agree.

The cause: Giving students the tools to learn English while building up the English program at the International School.

The goal: Facilitating the knowledge of God's character and love for the Lord that results in changed lives.

I have two students who I have been praying for. A boy and a girl.

The boy has had some difficult family issues. Over the past several months, though he has begun coming to the church here and spending quite a bit of time at the Alcance (the building where the school, seminary, church, and my home are located). Please pray that he will understand what the Lord has done for him and choose to live for the Lord.

The girl is about 8 years old. Evidently last semester she was a happy little girl. But her parents are getting divorced. She has begun fighting at school. She can be completely fine and then snap. She is a precious little girl who doesn’t know what to do with her emotions. Please pray that she will find peace and joy in the Lord.

Does This Make Me Mean?

Talked to the bro tonight.
He was sad.
I wasn't happy that he was sad...
but it was nice to be a part of real stuff in his life.
Those are the things that I miss,
The every day little struggles or joys that have a little place for me within them,
whether as the cheerleader or the sarcastic one or the one to hug and encourage.
I miss those things that allow me to be part of the life of my family.
I got to be part of my brother's life today.
Even though he was sad, I enjoyed it.

My Prayer

I pray for an life that is uncomfortable
one that includes
hurt sadness and righteous anger
along with
love joy and peace
I pray that my life will
not always be easy
but have depth
that comes from
trusting the Lord
in
every
situation
I pray that at the end of this life
I will understand and empathize
with people who are hurting
while having an
uncontainable
joy from the Lord

Flanking Caskets

This is where I spend my Sundays.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBdyKz5rnlI

Family

I have had this emotion lately.
I've begun to feel like I fit in.
I know.
It's not really an emotion. But...it kind of is.
I feel like I'm beginning to have a place.
Not a place as an American or a woman or a teacher or an English speaker,
but as Emily Taylor.
It's nice. I like it.

Last week was my birthday,
I talked to the fam.
The day was filled with birthday congratulations and hugs.
Jeff and Lindsay took me to Recife at night.
Then I returned home to phone messages and emails.
It was a good birthday.
Not because I got things.
Not because everyone was singing.
But because I had family.
Here, there, wherever. I had people that I fit with. People who I knew cared about me. People who I could trust.
I fit in.
It was nice.

Life. The Expanded Version.

Alrighty. What have I been doing for the past six weeks? Ummm....teaching.
But I have done a few other things. Let's see if I can remember them.

1-Karine & Roberto got married! These two are fantastic people and great for each other. They're wedding was beautiful and I can already see a beauty emerging from their marriage, as well. They will be living just down the hall from me. New neighbors!!! Woot!

2-Rock Ship (aka Pedra do Navio) and the vineyard. Two guys from church and their families took the Hoods (a fantastic couple that's here til December) and me to this big ol' rock. Well, I think it's actually two rocks. It looks like a big ship and has a nice view from the top. Then we drove through miles and miles of banana "trees", evidently the banana plant isn't actually a tree and once a crop is produced, the plant is chopped down and a new one grows. Now you know. Then we went to a vineyard. We had to climb a pretty steep hill to get to the ripe grapes but the view was tremendous and the grapes were delicious. It was a great day of riding in the car, trying to communicate and seeing new things.

3- Jeff & Lindsay got a car! You know when a kid says "I got a new car!" and the truth is that his parents got a new car? He technically didn't. He has no ownership and will probably only ride in it with his parents, but it's still his. Same idea. I got a new car!

4-Paudalho. Jeff, Lindsay, the Hoods, and I went to visit our friend Rachel in Paudalho, a nearby town. Rachel works with the the Living Stones program at the Community Church there. She and Cacau and Patricia work with about 100 of the poorest kids in Paudalho. This program is in conjunction with the government. The govt provides food and other basics and the church implements and then is able to teach about the Lord. It is a great program with lots of opportunity. One big problem, though is that the government hasn't been following through with the money, so often the kids have had to go home without food for that day. If you want to know more about Living Stones (aka PETI) check out Rachel's blog at http://rwinzeler.xanga.com/ It was so nice time to interact with some kids who are a little more similar to the kids I love in Africa. A totally different type of ministry than the work at the International School but really fantastic.

5-SBS and the Pizza Place. After we went to Paudalho Jeff, Lindsay, the Hoods, and I went to Recife, the big city that's a little over an hour away from Carpina. In the past it's been difficult to get into the city because we work all week and have to find a ride in on the weekend...which is not so easy to find. BUT Jeff & Lindsay got a car!!! Yippee! So, we all went in. And we went to a book store called SBS. Don't know what that stands for...but I'd imagine they would be ok with it standing for Super Book Store. Cause it's super. English curriculum kept Lindsay and me busy for an hour or so. Then all the English non-curriculum but school type books kept us going for another hour. Then all the fun English books kept us looking until we got the message that it really really was time to go. So we bought our books and left...just to find out that we didn't buy the one book that we came for. Oops. Guess we'll have to go back. After SBS we went to the mall and then the pizza place. I think it's called Cipo Nativo, but don't quote me on that. Now let me just preface this by saying that Brazilian pizza is generally not as good as pizza from home. It's good. But it's no Papa John's. But this place...seriously now? A-maz-ing. Expensive. But delicious. We had 1/2 vegetarian, 1/2 ham. I had pineapple and mint juice. Then for desert we had crepes made out of tapioca flour with tons of yummy stuff inside. For serious. Fantastic. And the place was even decorated uniquely. It had a rural Brazil motif. Complete with decorative mud walls, fake birds, bananas, thatched roof, awesome plates, and more.

6-Churrascu. A churrascu is a Brazilian barbeque. Where the States wins a pizza contest, Brazil wins the barbeque contest. A week or so before Roberto and Karine got married we all went over to Tele & Heather's house and had ourselves a churrascu. It was all sorts of fun. Took forever to cook. So we chatted. It was nice. More food than we could eat in a week. Including roasted pineapple...ooh my. D-lish. Then in the middle of dinner it rained. I can now add "Moving a loaded table indoors" to my resume. It was crazy. But fun. And memorable.

7-David's Farewell. David went to Bible School in Hungary. He left a couple of weeks ago. We had a party at his house the night before he left. Lots of pizza. A game of Bananagrams. Some hugs. And a friend on his way to big adventures.

8-Another exciting change in Jeff & Lindsay's (and by association my) life is the fact that they have an apartment in Carpina. Granted, they've had the apartment since last March-ish. But I wasn't here then. SO, now that I'm here they get to have parties! AND we get to be in Carpina at night. Because we don't have to take the bus back. Because we have a car! So, we've been to Boca Loca (the hamburger joint) a few times, a new (to me) little ice cream shop with the best lemon ice cream ever, we've watched movies, had taco night, played games, and had a big ol' slumber party.

9-Lagoa de Itaenga. I spend every Sunday in this little town about 30 minutes from Carpina. I leave right after church and arrive around 1. Have dinner with Ricardo, Kattia, and Rebecca and then teach Kattia English. Around 2:30 Ricardo and I leave for the church, where we meet Jeff, Lindsay, and the Hoods. We have a English class there with about 45 adults. It's pretty cool how excited they are to learn English and how it's drawing them into the church. I teach the advanced class and have about 10 students. I tell ya what, it doesn't matter what I do. They're so eager to learn that I just start the class, they ask questions, I answer and voila! an hour and a half has passed. It's kinda fun.

10-School. I teach. And we recently got some shelves and stuff for the English Resource Closet. So Lindsay and I have been organizing it. It's almost pretty. Which is exciting. Because before everything was on the floor. We also went on a field trip to Recife on Tuesday. It was a science & math field trip and it was nifty.

And that, my friends, is the short version of all the fun that has been had over the last 6 weeks.

Lindsay, Rachel, and me at Roberto & Karine's Wedding

Life

So, I've been in Brazil for a month. Crazy. I've been told that I need an update-y post. Problem is that the being a missionary isn't nearly as exotic as the general American public believes it is. Most people expect me to post things about being in the Amazon or being in some crazy situation. But the truth is that I live many kilometers from the Amazon and the crazy situations that arise are just a part of my life here. It feels normal. Things happen that I take note of...but they are things that are just part of the flow of the every day journey. So, here's your update. But don't expect it to be about snakes and savages, k?

Alrighty. I've been teaching. A lot. Kindergarten English classes, first through third intermediate English , fourth through seventh advanced English, math & science for first through seventh, advanced (which is really a more advanced beginner's class) English for teachers, & advanced English for adults in a little town called Lagoa de Itaenga. Aaand...that's about it.

Ok. There's more. But I'm tired. And I'm going to sleep now. More to come later.
Thanks for your prayers and emails this past month. What a blessing so many of you have been!

Dancing

I spent a month in Mozambique last year. Part of that time was in the northern city of Pemba. When I first got there, some Mozambicans were teaching us some dances.
As some of you know, I don't dance. I just don't. It's not even that I can't...although that is part of it. I just don't.
I have no rhythm. None. I can't even lead my students in clapping because I have to concentrate so hard on keeping the right rythm that it makes the song no fun. Another aspect of my non-dancing is that I just am not graceful. I'm about as graceful as a llama on rollerskates in church. Dancing and me don't mix. And I just don't find it fun to have people watch me flailing on the dance floor. I actually find it very not fun. I do love to watch other people dance, though.
But anyways, back to what I was saying...I was in Mozambique and I was just wishing that I could dance and that I enjoyed dancing and it turned into a prayer. "Lord, teach me to dance" was my silent prayer for the next three weeks. Even though I knew the insignificance of the prayer, I prayed it anyways because I just wanted it so much and it made me excited to think that God is capable of giving me graceful rhythm.
So, I prayed. And I still didn't like dancing. Even in my room where nobody was watching. I prayed and I still tripped over my feet. I prayed and I still could only do the White Girl Dance...and even that I did poorly. I wasn't disappointed. I just kinda let go of the dream. Took it as a "No" from God.
But the night before I left Mozambique several people I had met prayed over me. And four times those praying over me said "The Lord loves your dance". I hadn't told anyone about my prayer.
So, I still can't dance. I still don't like to dance. But my prayer was answered. Not how I expected. Not how I wanted. But more clearly than I could have imagined. I won't always have anwers that are that clear. But I hope that I can see a "no" not as a punishment, but as the Lord answering out of love.

I Saw You With Your Zipper Down Last Week

That feeling has returned.

The one that I forgot so easily...yet remember so well.
In the United States I am not so self-conceited that I think people think about and/or notice me all the time. But in Brazil, people notice.

I denied it. Thought I could live my life like normal, like I was simply in a new home, until a few instances last year. One of those instances was a guy in the grocery story saying that he noticed that I liked to go for walks. (Yes. This was odd. But it wasn't as creepy as it sounds.) And then I knew. I stick out. Whether it's because I'm an American, I speak English, I'm with a ministry, or I'm just that cool, people notice me...even when I don't notice myself. I feel as if I am on a stage.
It's odd. At home I don't think about my actions and their repercussions nearly as much as I think about them here. I wonder if pastors have this feeling all the time. It's not a bad feeling...just weird. I almost feel selfish, being so aware of what people are thinking of me. But then, what's the answer? When people stare at me, I wonder why. And when people stare all the time, I've got to examine my actions...and my zipper...more frequently then normal.

Anyways, I can't say that I have a conclusion to this post. Nor that I've learned something deep from this self-consciousness. I'm just saying that it's weird.

First Week of School

The first week of school is over. The building is quiet. I'm tired.
This week was good. Fun. I like teaching.
There are difficulties.
Like Wednesday, when I was trying to control fourteen 4-5 year-olds. The room was way too small. My lesson didn't last long enough. Most of the kids looked at me as if they had never heard English in their lives. That was tough. Real tough.
But a few changes were made and English was successfully taught the rest of the week.
No sweaty, red faced Emily.
My other classes have been really good.
I actually didn't get much complaining for taking a class's weekly hot chocolate and movie days away. Yeah. I'm not as fun as the last teacher.
But, I'm excited for this semester.
We have some great teachers, some good idea, and some fantastic kids.

I'm BAAAACK!

Here.
In Brazil.
I am.

The Whirlwind Has Begun

I bought a plane ticket to the land of monkeys and bananas and acerola yesterday.
I leave Indiana two weeks from today.
And if my calculations are correct, I will be out of town for all but 3 of those days.

My Mind Is Split.

Half of me is more excited than words can say. I'm going to Brazil! I'm going to teach and help develop the English program. I am beyond happy to see my friends and invest in a growing ministry. I'll be back with sugar cane & bicycles. Beans & rice and hopscotch. Laughter & "fala devaga porfavor". I'll be learning about ministry, culture, & language. Joining in worship. Hearing kids struggle through English. Watching people. Riding the bus to town & walking through the neighborhoods. Resisting the urge to scoop up a toddler & sometimes not resisting at all.
It all brings a smile to my face.

The other half of me is...sad. I'm sad to leave my family. My friends. Starbucks & my car. Worship in English. Comfort & ease. When I return, my nephews will be huge. My friends and my family will have gone through difficulties and excitement that I was not a part of.
I will have missed a lot.

The half of me that is excited about Brazil wins...except if I'm tired.
Then the bigness of the difficulties that are in Brazil and the truth of what I will be missing in my family member's lives overwhelms me.
I fail to trust the Lord & forget that He has led me here.

But then I sleep.

And I wake up refreshed.
I open my notebook of lesson plan & classroom management ideas. As I work, I see my place. I see the vision. I remember why I'm going. I know that this is right.
And I smile.

Approved!

After 8 months of waiting, I have been approved for a work visa! Praise the Lord! I still have a little paper work that still needs to be sent to Chicago, then a few more steps and I'll have the visa in my passport. I'm praying that I'll be in Brazil for the beginning of school, in early August. Thanks for all your prayers!

Update

While the past 7 months haven't quite gone as planned, I am excited about what I have learned as a person and as a teacher on the mission field. I am still in Indiana, waiting for the Ministry of Labor in Brazil to approve my work visa. Being in the States, I have had an opportunity to work on curriculum and staff development. In order to be a greater asset to the International school, I have also begun a graduate program (which can be completed on-line) in Language Education. I am praying that I will be able to teach at the International School beginning in the August semester. Thanks to all of you who have continued to pray for approval of my visa. It is supposed to be up for review again on Tuesday. So, please continue to pray!

That Church is Full of What?

I drove by a church tonight. Its sign out front said "Welcome World Changers". While I'm sure there's some group called World Changers that they were welcoming to their church, it got me thinking.
Church members should be called World Changers. Because if they are effectively living out what God calls them to do, the world will change. But then I thought, maybe I'm thinking too big here. Very few people set out to change the world. They affect the people around them, and that changes the world. So, maybe People Changers is a better name. But then I thought that sounded too much like "Hey PERSON! Change! Now!" Which would be weird, because if somebody told me that, I'd be wondering if they wanted me to go change my clothes or something. Plus, you can't change other people, people change themselves, you can only really influence people. So, I jumped over to Self Changers. But then I realized that if Christians were all true Self Changers, changing into the image of Jesus Christ, then other people would be inspired and alot more people outside the church would want to to change themselves too and when people change, the world changes. So, maybe World Changers is a good name for church members. So, then I got to thinking, maybe we could shorten it a little bit to WCs...but that may confuse the British.

Here I Raise My Ebenezer

Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far has the Lord helped us." 1 Samuel 7:12

In the Old Testament, alters were often built to emphasize the nature of the Lord and what He had brought His people through. I'm not going to use stones, but I do want to praise the Lord with emphasis.

During the different segments that create "life since college", I have often not fully understood much of anything. I have often questioned the Lord. But as I look back over these years, I see that things have worked together for good. And even if I can't see the outcome on some issues, even if right now I don't see the things working together for good, I will rest on the Lord and His record of Love.
And so, I say "Thus far has the Lord helped me."

Sad.

I went to the park with my nephew the other day. There was a kid playing in the sand nearby, making something he thought was a castle and I thought looked like a dinosaur egg. His older brother came over and started stomping on his castle/dinosaur egg thing. The kid got upset. They started all out fighting. Kicking. Screaming. Hitting. It was intense. I put a stop to it. Decided that sand should not be thrown in the general direction of my nephew and that I didn't care if I was not "in charge" of them. Kids shouldn't act that way.
They were stunned.
I was stunned that they were stunned.
Then the mom came over. She barely even looked at me, let alone addressing the situation.
I was stunned.
Parents say self-esteem trumps character.
The community says walking away trumps discipline.
Kids grow up to be adults who think highly of themselves yet have no character.

Hi. I'm Emily and I'm a Procrastinator.

Why do I procrastinate?
I have sealed my own fate.
I need to read pages upon pages,
And yet, my mind rages.

Sigh, these are the types of things I come up with when I have a ton of stuff to get done. What's my problem? I realize that I've got a good 4 hours of work to do. I realize that the lines I just wrote are ridiculous. But I will do anything I can think of to not do my assignment. Oh, I'll get it done. I'll just end up staying up all night doing it.

And now I will stop using this blog as a really bad reason to procrastinate and will instead talk to a friend on Gmail chat.

Class

I like being around people who are smarter than me.
I started taking a class. It's graduate level.
There are smart people in the class.
I just want to sit back and listen to them.

Hey! Look! There's Dad!

I go the speed limit. It's an accomplishment, really. I had to work pretty hard at it. But now it's been about 4 months and I'm used to it, except on that section of I-70 that goes from 55 mph to 50...that's tough. But, you know what? Driving is so much more relaxing now. I can see a cop and not immediately cringe and worry. I drive with a sort of confidence...even around cops.

Maybe that's how it is with God. I do things I know I shouldn't do, but tell myself one of a few lines.

A) It's not a big deal. Think of all the other things I could be doing. This is so tiny. Don't get too legalistic.

B) If I don't do this, I'm going to mess other people up. It might not even be safe for me to not do this.

C) If I don't do this, my day/week/life is going to be messed up.

D) It's fun.

So I do things that I know I shouldn't. And things are normally fine. I know where I can push the limits, where I can normally avoid any repercussions. BUT. Then God pops his head in where He's not expected. And I get defensive and up tight, even if I don't get caught. I know that God is Good, but I worry. It may just be something little. But then I see the equivalent of the spotlight or really long antennas and I think "Oh no".

I trust the Lord and want a deep, satisfying relationship with Him. But like in a marriage, if something causes worry about getting caught, it's probably not the best course of action. I want a relationship with the Lord that's deeper than a marriage. So, how can I allow behaviors to get in the way, just because I know how to avoid getting caught?

When I drive by, I want to wave like a little kid at the Cop who happens to be my Dad.

Honesty

A conversation with my nephew:
Me: "Joshua, don't chew on your nails."
Josh: "I'm not."
Me: "What are you doing?"
Josh: "Picking my nose."
Me: "Why?"
Josh: "Because I like it."
Me: "Oh, well, you probably shouldn't do that. It's kinda gross."
Josh: "Ok."

Today

I was ignored last night.
It made me feel less than.
I was invisible last night.
It made me wonder if I had a place.
I was alone last night.

I was taken seriously this morning.
It made me feel alive.
I was thought about this morning.
It made feel connected.
I was part of something this morning.

I stopped today.
It made me run late.
I listened today.
It made me understand.
I paid attention today.
It made him smile.

Easter!

It's Easter! What an amazing day. Just imagine...
Not too long ago a man was tortured and killed because of who he said he was. He was pronounced dead. His friends were distraught. They had lost an amazing friend...but not only that, he had been their hope. They believed that he was God. He was the one who was coming to save their people. But, he was dead. He was gone. Their hope was gone. They were not to be saved. Why didn't they do something instead of running and hiding? Why did they desert the one who they loved. The one who loved them. They wished they would have been the ones to die. But then...
The women came running into the room. Jesus isn't in the tomb! Peter & John ran. Angels! Mary saw Him. Jesus was in the room. It turned from a tense room they were using as a hiding spot to a party atmosphere. Mourning and fear became hugs, questions, listening, alertness, and laughs. Imagine...Jesus is back! He's alive! Wha...but...how? Why? What was it like? Why did it have to happen this way? I'm sorry. You are Lord. The Son of God! He is more powerful even than death.
Blood has always been part of the deal. Wrongs must be paid for with blood. It should be ours. In the old testament, God allowed animals to be sacrificed in place of us. But the new testament brought Jesus, the man who was perfect in every way. He died as our "animal"...our replacement. He is our redemption. He is our blood. He is the Hope of mankind. He has risen. He has defeated death. And in defeating death he has given us true life. What an amazing day.

love

I love Africa. Not like I love ice cream. Like I love my family.
I also love Brazil. Not like I love my family. Like I love a good friend.
What does this mean? I feel peace about being in Brazil right now. I am looking forward to returning and working with the ministry there. I think World Renewal, Brazil is on to something big and am excited to be a part of it. I have a place and am excited that what I do could lead to doors being opened wider for the school and World Renewal. I pray for Brazil. I want to learn from Brazil. I want to follow the Lord's leading & I believe that He is leading towards Brazil for this time. And because of that, I will go to Brazil.
...But I still love Africa.

This Blog

I read something the other day about blogs. It said that if you want to start a blog, commit to writing 3-5 times a week, or don't bother.
But here's the thing...I'm not that good.
I like having written. But the process of writing isn't so much fun, really. I really don't like it unless I've spent a good week or two mulling the topic over in my head. And I'm not one of those people who can mull multiple things at the same time.
So, this isn't going to be a typical blog. I'm not going to update it 3-5 days a week unless I really really feel like it...which could happen. But probably won't. So, if you feel like following this thing, my advice is to check up once a month. If I decided to go crazy and write 2 or 3 enteries that month you can read it then. If there's something crazy important that you should know, like if I get on the wrong bus and go to the Amazon and get eaten by an Anaconda, there's really nothing you could do about it here in the States. And if I think you can do something about it, I'll send a smoke signal or something.
BUT, I will promise to try really hard to post something, anything, once a month. So, if you care, check. If you don't, don't. If you kinda do, but not really, check only when people mention it on Facebook.

Wait

I have entered a new chapter in my life. At first I didn't realize that it would be a chapter, I thought maybe a passing thought within another chapter, but an entire chapter? No. Now it's a chapter. And it's called Wait.
Most specifically this means waiting for a visa, so that I can return to Brazil. Less specifically this means waiting for a career, a husband, a home, stability, and countless other things.

Part of me loves this chapter.
I get to spend time with people that I love & people who love me, the people that I crave time with when I'm away. I can hang out at my parents' house without worrying about rent or any other essential part of life. I get to relax, not worrying about culture or language. I know how I am supposed to act in almost every situation. I can communicate everything I want to say very effectively. I know what people mean, even if they don't say it. I know my way around and nobody worries if I drive off into the sunset and don't come back for several hours. I have a car. I can understand what's going on in church and participate fully. I can watch American Idol with my family. Seriously, now. Life is easy.
But another part of me says I really don't like this chapter.
Why have a chapter entitled Wait when there are so many other chapters that seem so much more important? Aren't there better things I could be doing with my time? Couldn't I be given an estimated time of arrival for the next chapter? Couldn't I at least know if the visa will arrive someday?? Why can't it just be easy? I could go on...but I think you get the point.

But the other day I was reading (something else I am thankful that I have time to do) and came across a poem. It hit me (actually the whole book has hit me) I read it over and over again. Here it is:

I wait.
Dear Lord, Thy ways
Are past finding out,
Thy love too high.
O hold me still
Beneath Thy shadow.
It is enough that Thou
Lift up the light
Of Thy countanence.
I wait-
Because I am commanded
So to do. My mind
Is filled with wanderings.
My soul asks "Why?"
But then the quiet word,
"Wait thou only
Upon God."
And so, not even for the light
To show a step ahead,
But for Thee, dear Lord,
I wait.

-Elisabeth Elliot
Passion & Purity